Guilty

A few days ago, I had just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.

It was a good read and very inspiring. But it made me feel a tad (okay, a lot) guilty on how I’m living my life, on how I’m not fulfilling my Personal Legend.

I’m not even sure what my Personal Legend is, but it sure is not what I’m doing now. And frankly, I’m not happy. I’m not miserable either, but overall, I know I can do better.

About two months ago, my friends Darlyn & Donna finally quit their jobs. I was quite proud because in this day & age (and economy), it’s not that easy to let go of a source of income, especially in the Philippines.

Darlyn is now pursuing her dream of being a writer (you can read her current blog here) and Donna, while also teaching a couple of subjects, is studying to be a lawyer. Both have taken their first steps towards their Personal Legends.

While I am proud, I am also envious. Envious that I lack the courage to take the leap. I already know that what I do does not make me want to get up in the morning and wash my hair.

“Why don’t you just quit?” you may ask. And I can give you a list of excuses that will just make me sound like a whining little bitch brat. And I probably am.

The pay’s good. The job is secure. I’m good at it. It’s not torture. Etc…

Lame excuses aside, I’m merely afraid.

I’m afraid that what I want to do will not be enough to provide for my family and that I might fail. I found this inspiring post on 9gag with a quote from Terence McKenna and, like reading The Alchemist, it made me take another long hard look at my life.

Nature Loves Courage

I’ve always thought of myself as mature and responsible. My fear of failure contradicts that. If I do quit, where do I start? How do I start? How do I know how to get to my Personal Legend? I don’t even know what it is.

I need to find my Sweet Spot.

https://i2.wp.com/willolovesyou.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Sweet-Spot-Venn-Diagram.png

 

For now, I’m just going with the flow. Like I said, I’m not miserable. I’m… okay. I take pleasure in the fact that at least my two friends are doing what the love. My happiness for them overpowers my envy (Alhamdulilah). And if what I do provides for my family’s needs and keeps us together, then I guess it’s not that bad.

But I do know I can do better. I just need to dig a little deeper for that spark I once had. It’s still in me… I can feel it.

 
 
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Eye for an Eye?

Just when everything seemed right with the world, things began to fall apart.

I know I’ve been gone for some time, at first I was merely busy with work (piles of paperwork left and right) then something  bit more dramatic distracted me.

Once upon a time, around seven months ago, I hurt him pretty badly. I thought I was going to lose him. Rather than keeping my shame a secret, I decided to let him know… nobody deserves to be left in the dark.

I was ready to take it all, all the curses, all the shame. I was ready to do anything and everything he wanted to make it alright. He said he forgave me and that we can move on. Needless to say I was the happiest girl in the world. Being given a second chance was bliss.

Though I was forgiven I punished myself everyday. I was not able to forgive myself. Sending him money from my own pocket even though it was against my parents’ wishes, staying up late/waking up too early just to match his time, even bought him a new phone (sure it’s just a Cherry Mobile, but hey). I became a “Sugarmommy,” something I always feared of becoming.

I thought everything was finally going back to normal. Until 7th of December, in the middle of a working day,  I received a Facebook Message from a girl who shall be henceforth known as “Jejewhore.”

Jejewhore: May I ask a question?

Me: Who are you?

Jejewhore: Are you still together with “The Lamp”?

Me: Why do you ask? Who is this?

Jejewhore: I’m his girlfriend.

Me: I find that hard to believe. Coz obviously I’m his girlfriend, for the past four years.

Jejewhore: We’re gonna be celebrating our first anniversary on January.

January…

January…

motherf*ckin JANUARY.

I gave him a call, hoping with all my heart that it was some sick prank that got out of hand.

As I was calling him, I checked out Jejewhore’s FB page. Waddya know, PHOTOS of him and her. Great.

He told me he knew the girl, but denied (of course) that they had a thing. It was very hard to believe him with the picture haunting my screen. Pictures that were, by the way, taken in his house… his family’s house.

I’m not even gonna mention how much I spent on phone credit. Our conversations consisted a lot of crying, swearing, and silence (very wasteful on phone credit). At one point, I made him choose… me or her. My heart pounded, my eyes were swollen, my soul was shouting “Pick me. Of course he’ll pick me.”

Him: I’m not gonna pick anybody.

The silence that followed was deafening. He sounded so… uncaring and cold.

If it was some sort of revenge of his, it would’ve been easier to wrap my mind around it. Somehow, I feel like I deserved it. But why didn’t he end it when he was satisfied with his revenge? He said he had forgiven me. Why did he let it go on? And why since January? I haven’t even left the city back then.

Why did you let it go on?

Why didn’t you tell me?

It would’ve hurt, but it would’ve been more bearable if it came from you.

Are you happy now? Are you happy now that you got your revenge? What do you want me to do now? Forgive you the same way you “forgave” me?

Is that how you want to do this?

An eye for an eye?

My broken heart in exchange for yours?

F*ck You Too, Brain

Seriously, why do you do that?!

So we saw “its” face again (thank you FB notifications for the triggers)… so we tried to open “its” page… so we’re still blocked.

Did you have to make me dream of “it” though? No. You’re just a big prick, like “it.”

All we saw was a tiny thumbnail of “its” profile picture. It was enough to burst open the dam of unshed tears. That dream, was the most awesome dream… you sick bastard brain, you.

Picnic. Paris. Burgers. Cheesecake. A lost contact lens.

Waking up at 3 in the morning, tear ducts overused due to happiness & misery at the same time, is not a good thing, brain.

That goes for you too, “it.”

A Change in Lifestyle

There is no question that I am one Baskin Robins’ biggest fan & a lover of Ferrero chocolate.

As I gaze inside my fridge and see thy chocolate beauty, I swoon.

Mint Chocolate Chip + Chocolate Chip = Happy2 Tinay

My love for sweets scares me. I always find a way to get access or an excuse to eat these sweets and that scares me even more.

I came across this article by “...As You Like It…” titled “Living with Diabetes.” Everytime I hear that word (Diabetes), I cringe a little bit. We had a family friend (who was also our flatmate) who was diagnosed with Diabetes (don’t know which type) and he had to control EVERYTHING he ate and medications round the clock. I tried to picture myself in that situation and I don’t think I’d handle it very well.

Not to mention that my family has a history of Diabetes, my grandmother on my mother’s side (God bless her soul) had it. That + my current eating habits is frightening.

I admire those who are fighting this battle head on and I pray that they & their loved ones always have the strength, courage, & optimism to carry on.

Reading articles about diabetes (or any other chronic diseases for that matter) and knowing personally from friends & family it’s effects really motivates me to change my eating habits & lifestyle not to just to fit into a skimpy bathing suit but to be able to enjoy life to the fullest… go through my time where only old age can greet me in the end.

 

Sunk Cost Fallacy

Sounds a bit complicated, right?

After you watch the video, you’ll realize it’s actually quite simple and surprisingly common. A second after that, it’ll dawn on you that YOU have fallen to the “Sunk Cost Fallacy.”

I am no different. All my life, I thought my decisions were based on investments for my future. Some of them, maybe. But the majority were based on what I have already “spent.”

Here’s a simple way to get a grip on the idea:

When you lose something permanently, it hurts. The drive to mitigate this negative emotion leads to strange behaviors. Have you ever gone to see a movie only to realize within 15 minutes or so you are watching one of the worst films ever made, but you sat through it anyway? You didn’t want to waste the money, so you slid back in your chair and suffered. Maybe you once bought non-refundable tickets to a concert, and when the night arrived you felt sick, or tired, or hung over. Perhaps something more appealing was happening at the same time. You still went, even though you didn’t want to, in order to justify spending money you knew you could never get back. What about that time you made it back home with a bag of tacos, and after the first bite you suspected they might have been filled with salsa-infused dog food, but you ate them anyway not wanting to waste both money and food? If you’ve experienced a version of any of these, congratulations, you fell victim to the sunk cost fallacy.

You Are Not So Smart

I am currently in a job I don’t like, but don’t hate either. Let’s just say I would prefer an occupation where I can hold a camera 24/7 or experience neck ache at Adobe Photoshop/Illustrator. But I’ve already “invested” four months into this (not exactly a lifetime, I know) and as much as I would like to change my career path, I’d feel kinda wasteful throwing the four months I already gave. See? Sunk cost fallacy victim right here.

And the sunk cost fallacy then means making a choice not based on what outcome you think is going to be the best going forward but instead based on a desire not to see your past investment go to waste.

Julia Galef

Questions I’m gonna crack my head on for the rest of the day… week… year…

  1. Should I risk making my future choices based on what my preferred outcomes are while seeing my past investments disappear?
  2. Is holding on to past investments really that bad? Or just being practical?

More on this topic:

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-makes-you-act-stupid.html

Change Tactics

Okay… so we’re clear on things, alright?

Do we care about each other?

YES.

Do we intend to be truthful to one another about everything?

YES.

Are we determined to make this work?

YES.

Good…

that’s all I needed to hear, Gha.

And I’m glad we reinforced what we have. I know that there’s going to be a lot more ahead, and I pray that we face them hand in hand.

Once upon a time, you picked up pieces of me and put it back together. Since then, we became one… a beautiful work of art with our pieces fitting together.

So we got chipped a bit, that’s fine.

We didn’t intend to be perfect anyway.

Nobody does.

Letters to Donna & Morla: Let him not be like Donna’s “Dead Cat”

Dear b*tches,

WADUUUUUUUUUUP?!

But seriously, how are you guys? Morla, aka, Darlyn, is obviously head over heels based on her blogs. How bout you, Don? Law school treating you okay?

Anyway, I know both of you are curious as to what my previous blog is about. I know by now, you already have an inkling (lol understatement) as to what happened.

We’re currently working things out. Apparently, Aladdin’s been having his “man-struation.” He’s been so idle that he can’t help but think about anything and everything… including my shameful act. I can’t blame him. He’s usually so active and on-the-go, I can’t imagine him being idle. He has an interview this Friday. Hopefully he’ll get the job.

What’s up with the title, you say? Well, like I said in my previous blog, it seems that Aladdin is going through a phase (as Donna put it)… what’s worse is… he’s going through He-who-must-not-be-named (aka Donna’s former “Cat”) Phase.

You’re right, Don… he sounds like the Dead Cat. Oh, but I certainly hope he doesn’t act like him. I get relief in the fact that I know he’s better than that. And I do sincerely hope it’s just a phase. It’s been six months since we last saw each other, it’s the longest I’ve ever been in a long distance relationship. It’s tough. It doesn’t help that we might not see each other on my vacation next year, coz he might be on a ship by then. ARGH! This is harder than I expected.

He says he can feel himself changing a bit. What kind of change, I don’t know… he doesn’t know either. I don’t want him to change… but I know it’s something I cannot control.

I am doing everything I can to be good at this LDR thing. I focus on work, on family, I rarely go out (it’s kinda hard to spread your wings here), and I mostly read & do artwork… and maybe window shop when I get the chance.

Speaking of which, Darlyn, I found the most amaaaaaazing cardigan in H&M last week. It is so you! I couldn’t take a picture coz the salesmen were giving me the evil eye. But for sure you’d buy it in a heartbeat. I also found one for you, Don. leather jacket, sorta biker-ish but more chic. As for your beau, Darlyn, he asked me for a black thobe. Why? You ask him. I’ll try to find something better (and affordable).

Back to me (narcissistic, much?), I’m doing what I can to make my relationship with Aladdin work. Just pray that we pull through.

He says he loves me with all his heart and he would not think of abandoning me. He just wanted to let me know that he’s human and he might make mistakes. And that this LDR is not easy as he thought. I told him to try his best the same way I am. I don’t want to lose him… and I hope he doesn’t want to lose me. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, I hope it’s true.

It’s weird, huh? Before, I would’ve believed him in a millisecond. But after this… It’s like I don’t trust him (bad karma, wouldn’t you say?).

It’s like I don’t know him anymore…

… and I’m scared.