So this is what an ex-con feels like

It’s taking its toll on me… on us. I never expected this to happen, knowing how kind & well-principled you are. This Long Distance Relationship is beginning to wear you out… and I am scared.

What I did to you was despicable & unforgivable… but you gave me a second chance anyway. I’ve done my very best to earn that second chance. But it seems you haven’t totally forgiven me.

In the middle of business hours, you send me this text saying “I’m going crazy here… I keep remembering what you did.”

I tell you “I’m sorry” a million times once more.

You say you forgive me, yet asking me for a little bit more freedom, using my guilt as leverage.

“What kind of freedom are we talking about?” I asked you.

“Hanging out with women… I’ve never hung out with women before without you freaking out,” you answered.

“You’ve met someone… haven’t you?” I asked, already crying in our office pantry.

You were silent for a moment and then said “No.” I was almost relieved until you said “I might.”

The call cut short, I bought more load to call you again. You answered right away.

You said a lot of words saying you need to have more fun, that I shouldn’t freak out, that this is no big deal… that I’m still going to be your bride one day. That you’re asking for a “cool-off.”

I asked, “Really? A Cool-off? I won’t accept that. Do you really mean it?”

“Not really…”

“Not really? But just a little bit? Please don’t sugarcoat anything, I don’t like being taken for a fool.”

“Neither do I, but you did it anyway.”

“Is this what’s it about? That you’re still mad? I can’t blame you, and I’m doing my best to make it up to you… I….” I ran out of breath, and my boss entered the pantry.

She looked at me, appalled at my ugly cry.I was already choking up and couldn’t stop, she left me alone and gave me some time to settle what we were doing. I let out a breath of relief.

“Stop crying, it’s ok… forget about it… i won’t abandon you. It’s just…”

” ‘It’s just… ‘Not Really’… Stop using those words! and be straight with me!” The frustration has been unleashed not caring if anyone hears.

“If you have someone else… I’d rather know now… and be done with it.” I said, my voice breaking.

“I’m not with someone else! I just said I might! and I’m telling you this because if that happens, you won’t be so… ‘this’ .”

“You’re asking for a free pass… is that it?” I asked, expecting the worst.

“Not really…”, You answered. Ugh.

I asked you, “Do you still love me?”

You answered with a hearty “Yes of course!”

My heart relaxed for a moment and then you added “but..”

You were torturing me… and you made me feel I deserve it tenfold. Maybe I do deserve it. Then I asked you if you if you still wanted to do this… coz I know I do.

When I met you, you were a man who had kindness, awesome sense of humor and most importantly, a one-woman attitude. That’s how I knew you. I reveled in it so much that I forgot, despite how morally straight you are (or seemed to be), that you are still a man… a man who has weakness… a man who can make mistakes.

I was supposed to be the broken one… the one who had and did a lot of damage. You were supposed to be the good one… the one who chose to love a broken being despite its flaws. The one who put the pieces back together and still loved it, cracks and all. I’ve been watching too many teleseryes and see… no… saw you as this perfect person. I forgot that you are still human.

You continued in saying lots of “I love you”, “if we’re meant to be together, then we will end up together.” That’s just another way of saying “I’m done with this, but if we ever bump into each other we might be cool with it.”

What I got from 500 pesos worth of load was:

1. You want to have cool-off to explore your freedom.

2. You want me to be OKAY with this cool-off and wait for you to come back to pick up where we left off.

3. You’ll still love me even if we’re on a “cool-off”

4. That I am a despicable human being, but “Not really.”

Is this your revenge? I hope not… coz you’re better than that.

Am I sorry for what I did to you back then? YES.

Do I love you? ABSOLUTELY.

Do I want to grow old with you. WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.

Those are called “straight answers.”

Now, give me some. None of that “but”, “not really” crap.

I was straight with you when it happened… willing to accept whatever you would’ve wanted. You chose to give me one last chance and that we’ll move on. I deserve that second chance and I am determined to earn your trust again… no matter how long it takes.

Now, you be straight with me. Decide. Whatever it is… I’ll learn to live with it if it’s what you truly want.

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