I am flawed. Immensely flawed.
And that is okay.
I made a mistake. I managed to hurt people & almost ruined their friendships. I regretted what I did and apologized profusely. I asked what was it I needed to do to fix things without burning any bridges, but that was too much to ask. The more I tried to save both friendships, I ended up losing both.
I managed to make an outcast of myself in three months. I have outdone myself. Sure I was at fault, but apparently I didn’t deserve a second chance and I am not worth their time anymore. It was heart wrenching to hear that from someone you care about.
Sometimes, people underestimate apologies, including myself. They say, they’re just words to make things seem okay. I have been apologized to before, some I forgave, most I did not. I realized apologizing is more complex than it appears, that it takes a hell amount of guts to face the people you hurt and bare your heart and soul hoping for another chance. You beg, you negotiate… mostly beg. I think about those people I turned my back to, those apologies I left hanging. I think about those people who wanted my forgiveness and see myself instead.
How selfish was I to deny them the chances they were asking for? How much of a hypocrite am I now to justify my need for forgiveness when I gave none before?
Nothing like regret & shame to give you a wake up call.
In spite of what has happened, I have to stay strong. I shouldn’t give up on myself just because some people gave up on me. Though it pains me to admit I might never be with “them” again, I still have a family to provide for and other friends who I will strive to be a good friend to.
Experience is indeed a great teacher. I realize now I need to learn to forgive more, forgive myself.
I pray that one day, they’ll forgive me too.
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience