Letters to Morla: (2) Lonely

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Dear Morla,

It’s one of those days. I don’t know if its just the roller coaster hormones playing with my feels, or I’m just being bitter (probably both). It’s one of those days where I need you & Donna.

I’ve been living a charmed life. Loving parents, awesome sister, lots of good friends, good education, and a loving boyfriend. But there has always been one thing that has eluded me, the “best friend.” Before I met you, Donna, & Aladdin, I never had that bestfriend, you know the one, that person you grew up with, who you share your innermost secrets, someone you can be yourself (good & bad), someone who makes you a priority, not an option. I didn’t have that. Yes, I had good friends, but not the BFF kind.

Those good friends eventually found their own peers. Though we kept in contact, but it was different. I transferred from school to school, that’s another reason. High School wasn’t that much of a treat either. You ever get into that situation where you found a best friend, but you’re not theirs? Gotta tell ya, it sucks. That feeling festered and rotted me from the inside. I was already a sensitive baby as it was, the festering didn’t help. It came to the point where I was ostracized. I kind of understood why. What I can’t understand is why didn’t they try to fix it?

By now, maybe they’ve already forgiven and forgot. Why can’t I?

2009, I came to Iloilo to start my university education, and also to start a new life, in a new place where no one knew who I was. It was awesome. It was a chance to make a new start, no prejudice. I haven’t met you or Donna back then, kinda wish I did so we could’ve added another year to our “Friendship Anniversary” (how gay). Without the fear of prejudice, I was more confident to show the real me. In return, I made good friends (it was when I met Rico). There were a few “bumps” here & there, but it wasn’t like before. I was happy with the way things were going because people were treating me based on how I interact with them, not because of some prejudice.

2010, was the best. It was when I met Aladdin, and I met you & Donna. I remember we used to stare at each other during Pub meetings and just the occasional “Hey, what’s up” when we pass by. When we first hung out, as in really hung out, it was probably one of the best times of my life. Because that was when our friendship started.

A couple years passed, and I have to admit, I think I’ve finally found that best friend I’ve been yearning for so long. Not only do I have one, but two. Though I may not be yours, nor Donna’s, I’m okay with it. I’ve known from the start that you & Donna already have long term friends, but what really got me was, you guys made the effort to make some room in your lives for me. Maybe you guys don’t realize how much of a big deal that is, but it’s one of the most amazing things someone has ever done for me.

You guys knew me in my good & bad (the latter especially), yet you’re still there. You guys are soooo hard to get rid of, and I thank you.

I’ve been very lonely here. Sure I’m with my folks, but you know what I mean. I miss being with my peers, hanging out. All I do is work, go home, eat, & read. I’m lonely. This was not a problem when I was in Iloilo. We may not have seen each other everyday back then, but we made the time. No one makes the time here for me. I try to reach out, but I’m not that important. It’s like high school all over again. Maybe they haven’t forgiven me, and deep down inside, I haven’t forgiven them… and I haven’t forgiven myself.

All I know now is, I miss you, terribly.

I’m starting to build walls again… I’m scared that I’m gonna trap myself… again.

Bitter & Alone,

Tinay

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