Moving Out of Facebook

Recent events has got me into thinking to maybe move on from the FB drama to a social network where I can be more productive. You know, more freedom, less drama… less prejudice?

There’s only one place I’d like to call my Home Sweet Homepage, and that’s my WordPress account.

Now, why make such a move? Most of my connections are in FB. People can reach me easier there, I’ll be more up to date on others through FB. All of the above are true.

It’s just tiring I guess. 7 out of 10 of my FB “friends” don’t even like or know me (and vice versa). And the prejudice! Tsk. People add you on Facebook not because they want to know you better (at least not at first), but mostly to confirm if what they’ve heard about you is true.

“Is that really her?”

“Is that her boyfriend?”

“Is she pregnant?”

“Why is <insert mutual friend’s name> friends with this girl?”

And once they become among your “friends”, they’ll get updated on whatever you post and they assume they have a right to share it. Then again, if you post something on Facebook, you’re basically letting them spread whatever it is you shared.

The point is, Facebook for me isn’t for “friends” anymore. It’s for gossip & stalking. I’ve had it. So I’m really planning on deactivating mine.

The problem is, what about those genuine friends of mine that who uses Facebook as a main form of communication?

That part, I don’t know. But for now, I just want some distance from all the drama that seems to emanate from FB. I’ve tried to defend myself a couple of times, it just blew up in my face ‘coz people thought I was covering up something. (Pfft)

I feel the same way, only with WordPress not so much Twitter.

I feel a lot more freedom here on WordPress. Maybe its because people here are less prejudiced because what they know about you is from your personal posts, not from heresay. I appreciate that.

So…

Am I ready to declare The Pearly Panty Gates my only Home Sweet Homepage?

PS.

I do have a twitter account. But maybe not for long. 😛

@TinayAndrade

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Forgive

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I am flawed. Immensely flawed.

And that is okay.

I made a mistake. I managed to hurt people & almost ruined their friendships. I regretted what I did and apologized profusely. I asked what was it I needed to do to fix things without burning any bridges, but that was too much to ask. The more I tried to save both friendships, I ended up losing both.

I managed to make an outcast of myself in three months. I have outdone myself. Sure I was at fault, but apparently I didn’t deserve a second chance and I am not worth their time anymore. It was heart wrenching to hear that from someone you care about.

Sometimes, people underestimate apologies, including myself. They say, they’re just words to make things seem okay. I have been apologized to before, some I forgave, most I did not. I realized apologizing is more complex than it appears, that it takes a hell amount of guts to face the people you hurt and bare your heart and soul hoping for another chance. You beg, you negotiate… mostly beg. I think about those people I turned my back to, those apologies I left hanging. I think about those people who wanted my forgiveness and see myself instead.

How selfish was I to deny them the chances they were asking for? How much of a hypocrite am I now to justify my need for forgiveness when I gave none before?

Nothing like regret & shame to give you a wake up call.

In spite of what has happened, I have to stay strong. I shouldn’t give up on myself just because some people gave up on me. Though it pains me to admit I might never be with “them” again, I still have a family to provide for and other friends who I will strive to be a good friend to.

Experience is indeed a great teacher. I realize now I need to learn to forgive more, forgive myself.

I pray that one day, they’ll forgive me too.

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.”
Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

(Image source: http://www.themindfulword.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/forgiving-the-unforgiveable.jpg)

It’s Definitely Me

Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

I thought I was a good person. That even though I made a mistake, I deserved a second chance. The mistakes I made, I regret wholeheartedly.

But maybe I don’t deserve another chance.

Maybe I really am a bad person. Maybe my apologies are worthless. That when people really get to know me, they won’t like it. Maybe I’m just good company at the beginning, but not for the long run.

Maybe I really am just a burden to anyone I cross paths with.

Maybe, I really don’t belong here.

I want to go home…

I hope I still have a home.

Letters to Morla: (2) Lonely

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Dear Morla,

It’s one of those days. I don’t know if its just the roller coaster hormones playing with my feels, or I’m just being bitter (probably both). It’s one of those days where I need you & Donna.

I’ve been living a charmed life. Loving parents, awesome sister, lots of good friends, good education, and a loving boyfriend. But there has always been one thing that has eluded me, the “best friend.” Before I met you, Donna, & Aladdin, I never had that bestfriend, you know the one, that person you grew up with, who you share your innermost secrets, someone you can be yourself (good & bad), someone who makes you a priority, not an option. I didn’t have that. Yes, I had good friends, but not the BFF kind.

Those good friends eventually found their own peers. Though we kept in contact, but it was different. I transferred from school to school, that’s another reason. High School wasn’t that much of a treat either. You ever get into that situation where you found a best friend, but you’re not theirs? Gotta tell ya, it sucks. That feeling festered and rotted me from the inside. I was already a sensitive baby as it was, the festering didn’t help. It came to the point where I was ostracized. I kind of understood why. What I can’t understand is why didn’t they try to fix it?

By now, maybe they’ve already forgiven and forgot. Why can’t I?

2009, I came to Iloilo to start my university education, and also to start a new life, in a new place where no one knew who I was. It was awesome. It was a chance to make a new start, no prejudice. I haven’t met you or Donna back then, kinda wish I did so we could’ve added another year to our “Friendship Anniversary” (how gay). Without the fear of prejudice, I was more confident to show the real me. In return, I made good friends (it was when I met Rico). There were a few “bumps” here & there, but it wasn’t like before. I was happy with the way things were going because people were treating me based on how I interact with them, not because of some prejudice.

2010, was the best. It was when I met Aladdin, and I met you & Donna. I remember we used to stare at each other during Pub meetings and just the occasional “Hey, what’s up” when we pass by. When we first hung out, as in really hung out, it was probably one of the best times of my life. Because that was when our friendship started.

A couple years passed, and I have to admit, I think I’ve finally found that best friend I’ve been yearning for so long. Not only do I have one, but two. Though I may not be yours, nor Donna’s, I’m okay with it. I’ve known from the start that you & Donna already have long term friends, but what really got me was, you guys made the effort to make some room in your lives for me. Maybe you guys don’t realize how much of a big deal that is, but it’s one of the most amazing things someone has ever done for me.

You guys knew me in my good & bad (the latter especially), yet you’re still there. You guys are soooo hard to get rid of, and I thank you.

I’ve been very lonely here. Sure I’m with my folks, but you know what I mean. I miss being with my peers, hanging out. All I do is work, go home, eat, & read. I’m lonely. This was not a problem when I was in Iloilo. We may not have seen each other everyday back then, but we made the time. No one makes the time here for me. I try to reach out, but I’m not that important. It’s like high school all over again. Maybe they haven’t forgiven me, and deep down inside, I haven’t forgiven them… and I haven’t forgiven myself.

All I know now is, I miss you, terribly.

I’m starting to build walls again… I’m scared that I’m gonna trap myself… again.

Bitter & Alone,

Tinay

Re-watching Dumbo at 22: Why do I do this to myself?

Last night, my sister and I watched an old favorite movie: Dumbo.

And of course, there were waterworks. I mean come on, it’s Dumbo.

You know that feeling when you re-watch an old movie you watched as a kid and realizing the movie was deeper than you remembered? You thought it was all just an ordinary story & lots of catchy tunes, then you watch it at age 22 and BAM! Whaddya know, you get sucked into that deeper-moral-lesson-you-didn’t-realize-it-had zone. Like Dumbo wasn’t heartbreaking already.

To 6 year old me, the chatty elephants, these bi***es right here:

Die Bi***es! Die!

were just gossipy & harmless but now, I just wanna skin those gossipy pachyderms for causing emotional & mental harm to me! Uhhh… I mean uhh… Dumbo… yeah… to Dumbo.

.How dare they make fun of dear old Jumbo Jr. I mean look at that face!

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Thank you Mr. Stork for bringin’ Jumbo Jr aaaaaall the way to Mrs. Jumbo.

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“Here is a baby with eyes of blue, straight from heaven right to you.

That’s one beak you got there, Mr. Stork!

The “Baby Mine” part became 10x depressing watching it at age 22 (after that scene, we paused it, ran to Mom teary eyed and cuddled her and she was like “Whaaaaat?”).

ImageOMG. *Sob*

The “Pink Elephants On Parade” was still as creepy as ever. Actually, it gets creepier every time I watch it. Wonderfully creepy.

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Now, every poor orphan needs to have some sort of mentor/father figure (or talent manager in this case). That’s where this guy comes along.

Timothy

Without you, dear old Timothy Q. Mouse, what would’ve happened to our precious Dumbo? I love you.

Oh Dumbo, you never disappoint. You are such a wonderful movie with an awesome soundtrack (I got “When I See An Elephant Fly” stuck in my head).

If I didn’t care much for my tear ducts, I’d watch this again later (over & over).

All Talk

And here I write… another excuse, another disappointment.

 

One of my early posts here in this blog was a “promise” to shed some pounds… live a healthier life. Unfortunately, that goal is yet to be reached. I can list down all the things that kept me from losing weight. But I have to stop kidding myself. The only thing that kept me was myself. I can’t control eating. My tummy is full but my mouth is hungry. All the midnight snacks most definitely did  lot of damage too. I didn’t weigh myself recently (‘coz I was ashamed) but for sure I gained a lot.

Being back in the nest (living with Mom & Dad again), there’s always food. Not to mention lots of fast food joints nearby our apartment. It’s not my folks’ fault, it’s not the restaurants’ fault, it’s moi.

Earlier today I was buying lunch at the cafeteria where I work and the cashier (who is Mom’s good friend & co-worker) loudly commented on my supersized physique. I don’t mind a lil criticism here & there, but does it have to be so loud & so public? It’s embarrassing. Kinda chips off my already low confidence. I just brushed it off and made a funny joke about how “food loves me so much it won’t leave my body.”

Did she comment out of concern? Probably. Did she have to announce it to the whole floor? I don’t think other people mind not hearing about it during lunch.

It hurts because it’s true.

Why is my life a constant battle between my love of good food and not getting fat?

Taking Extra Classes

Almost four months I’ve not been with my Aladdin. Both of us are adapting pretty well and Aladdin is on his way to an apprenticeship (undergoing BLS training and others)  while I have been working as an Administrative Assistant in a high-end hospital. Pay is good and I’m already contributing to buy my family’s first house.

The long distance thing so far has been “meh.” Aladdin has limited access to internet while I have limited access to time. Not to mention the 5 hour time difference. Ugh. But we get by. I text and he replies through my roaming number (which is cheaper compared to replying to my foreign number).

Both of us have a goal that after I finish contributing for my family’s house and after he finishes contributing to renovate theirs and other obligations, we’ll process his papers to get here in Jeddah where he can work in the same city as I do. I told him that while his doing his apprenticeship, he should find the time to take some classes in TESDA (free classes & short courses) to add to his skills which will strengthen his chances of finding a job here in Jeddah (or anywhere for that matter). He’s not book smart, but he is street & skill smart. Though I wouldn’t mind him being better in English (though my English isn’t perfect, I am a bit of a grammar nazi).

Anyways, I am encouraging him to take classes because I know he will benefit from them. Its hard to admit sometimes that I don’t trust his “academics” (he was more of an athlete than a scholar), I can’t say it to his face afraid that I might hurt him. He’s hard working (seriously), honest, & humble. But sometimes lacks the cunning to be in the real world. I don’t want to imagine people looking down on him, its bad enough that I sometimes do (credential-wise). Let’s face facts, you don’t hire someone based solely on humility & kindness (both qualities, my Aladdin is a shoe in).

Last time we talked, he told me that he will inquire in TESDA and enroll when he gets the opportunity. I was pleased since he was showing interest in self-improvement. I mean, what harm can it do? I myself want to enroll in a few classes (maybe Sign Language & a Business related one). Extra skills can’t hurt.

I won’t be there all the time to help him along and I want to make sure he has enough to get him through. I just want him to be the best that he can be. Maybe I shouldn’t worry too much. I worried a lot when were together, how much more when we’re apart? WHY AM I SUCH A WORRYWART?!

I just want what’s best for him. I’m sure he knows that. I thank God that his older siblings are helping him along in his new life in Manila.

God has been good, though I may not be a devout, I believe in His love & plan for us. I just need to have more faith and continue to pray for the best.